MERGRAVAINE
by AgraFan
Summary: Merlin and Agravaine find out that they have both been admiring one another from afar, and decide to take it to the next level. Will they succeed?
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: We do not own Merlin, it's kind of the other way around... Please review, it makes us so happy! Happy reading!_

**In a land of grease, and a time of magic, the destiny of a great romance rests on the shoulders of a young couple. Their name: MERGRAVAINE.**

Chapter 1: In a land of grease

Merlin and Agravaine locked eyes from across the room at one of Arthur's celebratory feasts. They had never so much as dared to speak to one another before, but this time was different. As the musicians began playing a fast-paced number that Merlin particularly enjoyed, the young wizard took Agravaine by the hand and spun him around the dance floor.

"_Mer_lin!" shouted King Arthur, startling Merlin out of his daydream. "Refill my goblet, will you?"

Merlin realized he had been staring at Agravaine, seated next to the king, for nearly five minutes and had neglected his duties the whole time. Thinking fast, Merlin replied, "But sire, don't you think you've had quite enough to drink?"

As Merlin poured the king his drink, he couldn't help but stare at Agravaine's beautiful crusty face.

"_Mer_lin, you idiot! Watch where you're pouring!"

"Yes sire."

Arthur laughed. "Merlin, this is a celebration! It's not every day that my uncle turns 50!"

Alas, Merlin thought. Fifty, and yet his face of the most delicate porcelain skin would indicate a man of no more than twenty years. Merlin obliged to Arthur's command, and as he filled his king's goblet, he worked up the courage to speak to the man who had been the subject of his interest for nearly a month now.

"And you, Agravaine, more wine?" asked Merlin.

Agravaine realized the young warlock staring and quickly flashed a not-so-winning smile, but it was #winning to Merlin. Something about the way Agravaine turned his head upon hearing Merlin's question, the way he looked into the warlock's eyes, and the sound of his voice when he replied made Merlin's heart flutter. He even dared to wonder if his feelings were being returned.

"Please, if it isn't any trouble. And might I say, the wine is wonderful! Would you care for a taste?" Agravaine offered.

It was as though Agravaine's every move were in slow motion. Merlin noticed every curve his lips made, and every greasy flip of his hair. Merlin could not resist. He could not refuse this man and his charms.

"I would love to," replied Merlin. Agravaine handed him his full goblet and Merlin, with shaking hands, accepted it. Not wanting to lose the opportunity, Merlin made sure he drank from the exact part Agravaine's lips would have touched the goblet, savouring the moment of an indirect kiss.

Perhaps luck was not on Merlin's side, or perhaps his nerves had gotten the better of him, but when he took a sip of Agravaine's wine, the liquid went down the wrong way and Merlin choked.

Coughing, Merlin cursed his misfortune and klutziness, blushing uncontrollably.

Arthur, who was quite drunk at this point, finally looked away from the musicians and dancers he had been watching, (especially Gwaine) and noticed his servant choking. He quickly rose to pat his friend on the back, but blood rushed to the king's head and he was forced to sit back down lest he fall in front of all his subjects and his one true love.

Agravaine was frozen for a moment, not knowing how to respond, or if he should respond at all. At last, he decided that there was no better opportunity, and rose to help. "Are you alright, Merlin?" asked Agravaine, putting his firm but gentle hand on Merlin's shoulder.

"Better now," replied Merlin, relishing the feel of Agravaine's manly touch.

Agravaine gave a greasy smile. They started to watch the dancers and musicians again. Arthur couldn't take his eyes off Gwaine.

"I have to... um... get Arthur's dessert," sputtered Merlin, not meeting Agravaine's gaze. Perhaps if he had, he would have seen the caring, the concern, and most of all, the desperate admiration in his eyes.

Sir Gwaine, who had had just as much to drink as Arthur, stumbled toward the king.

"Will you give me this dance?" he slurred.

Arthur was taken aback at first, but joy filled his heart and he replied, "Of course I will."

Arthur could not believe his fate. He was the king, after all, but still felt nervous in the face of true beauty. Sir Leon and Percival started to dance together. How Merlin wished Agravaine would ask him to dance...

Sir Leon and Percival swept the center of the dance floor with their sloppy drunken jig. People stared at the sight of the two knights kissing.

_Merlin looked over at Agravaine and asked, "Would you like to dance?" Agravaine curled his greasy lips. "Of course."_

Merlin was in the kitchen putting together Arthur's dessert. He was then struck with a sudden boldness and decided to prepare a dessert for Agravaine as well. When he finished, he brought both plates out to the table and served the men. He then realized that asking Agravaine to dance was all in his imagination. He was hoping that after preparing the dessert, the king's uncle would be more willing to oblige. Perhaps he could enchant the sweet creamy goodness with a love spell? Even amid his desperate feelings, he had enough reasoning to avoid using magic with Agravaine. After all, true love is not experienced through artificial forms of affection, but by keepin' it real.

As Arthur danced happily with Gwaine, Agravaine ate his dessert, which tasted all the better knowing it had been prepared by his favourite servant's delicate hands. But when he got to the bottom of the dish, he found a note that read, "_Meet me in the forest tonight after the feast. Come alone._"

Seeing his fellow knights kiss made Elyan feel like making his own dreams come true. He did something he had been meaning to do for a long time. He stepped over to the door with the courage of Camelot's fifty best knights and gave Gaius a big, sloppy kiss. Gaius was shocked at first, but wasted no time and melted into Elyan's arms.

At this point, the feast was ending and Merlin was forced to pry his king away from Gwaine for long enough so that Arthur could thank everyone for coming. As the happy couple stumbled away to Gwaine's chambers for the night, Merlin made a dash to his own. He grabbed his best neckerchief, and rushed to the forest while doing his best to straighten out his clothes and fix his hair.

In his humble abode, Agravaine was filled with bubbling excitement. He could hardly contain himself. He had left the feast early to change into more flattering clothes. Flattering for Agravaine simply meant the same clothes, but in a smaller size. He was always proud of his curves. He even took his "special" hair grease out of the closet, providing maximum hold and styling capabilities. He made sure to curl the ends of his dark, middle-parted locks. He then practiced his greasiest smile in front of the mirror several times. He could not remember the last time he worried so much about his appearance.

This was his chance, the moment he was waiting for. He had hoped that Merlin had noticed him around the castle, but he had never dreamed that they would ever meet in private. He couldn't wait to surrender himself to the passion that he had long fabricated in his head.

Drunk with hope and expectation, Agravaine walked through the dark castle and attempted to take a shortcut to the forest. However, he should have been more careful because he missed a step on the stairs and fell on the stone floor, hitting his head against a pillar, leaving a scintillating and pungent trail of hair grease along its length. Agravaine was out cold.

Meanwhile, Merlin waited for his knight in shining grease. He was extremely nervous. Every crackle of a tree branch or scraping of the wind in the leaves startled him.

Merlin waited for his love for nearly two hours before giving up. He was heartbroken. He thought he had seen love in Agravaine's eyes, but he must have been mistaken. How could he have been so stupid? Merlin walked back to his home, defeated and angry.

When Merlin got home, there was a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign on the door. Strange, Gaius has never done that.

Consumed by his own frustration, he opened the door anyway. But the moment he saw what was on the other side, he quickly closed the door again, praying he had not been seen, for there lay Gaius and Elyan on Gaius' bed, cuddling, giggling, and licking gold coins like goblins. Merlin knew it was inappropriate for him to go in, and he knew he had to find another place to stay for the night. As he rushed out, he began to cry.

He went over to Gwen's house and knocked on the door.

"Come in," said Gwen. "Oh Merlin, I knew you'd be coming tonight! I saw Elyan leave with Gaius. My brother's always had a soft spot for older men." She noticed the tears in Merlin's eyes and rushed over to hug her friend. "What's wrong?" she asked him.

Merlin told her all about Agravaine as they gave each other facials, pedicures, and corn rows. Merlin loved the corn rows and decided to rock them from then on.

He could not bear to face Agravaine the next day. Thinking about it sent waves of embarrassment through every fibre of his magical being. How could he go on knowing that Agravaine had seen the note and chose to ignore it? How could he have been so stupid to have thought that a nobleman could have had feelings for him?


	2. Chapter 2

_Disclaimer: In a land of myth, and a time of magic, someone created Merlin. Their name: Not us._

_Please read and review! Enjoy!_

**How can I admit that I think about them all the time? Or that I care about them more than anyone? How can I admit that I don't know what I'll do if any harm comes to my corn rows?**

Chapter 2: In a time of corn rows

The next morning, all the guards, knights, and Arthur gathered around Agravaine, who was still injured on the floor. Merlin rushed in a little after. When he saw the man who had broken his heart laying unconscious, he couldn't help but cry again. However, when he lifted his hand to his face to wipe away the tears, he remembered his corn rows and began to cheer up.

Merlin pushed his way to the front of the crowd and kneeled over his love. So he hadn't been blown off after all! And judging by the amount of grease on the pillar, Agravaine had tried pretty hard to look good for their late-night encounter. Merlin tenderly stroked Agravaine's lifeless face, peeled a greasy lock of hair from his forehead, and wiped a bit of blood that was dripping down the side of his toady visage. At Merlin's touch, Agravaine began to stir. He blinked to adjust his eyes to the light and looked around. When his eyes were able to focus, he saw the lanky young servant boy through the fog in his head.

"Merlin..." croaked Agravaine. "Am I late?"

"Late for WHAT?" demanded Arthur.

Merlin, flustered, came up with an excuse. "He must be confused. Maybe he thinks he's late for your feast or something, or perhaps this morning's council meeting?"

"I think we were ALL late for this morning's meeting," said Gwaine cheekily, hugging Arthur around the waist from behind.

"Merlin... Your hair... How much grease did that require?" asked Agravaine.

Merlin blushed upon being addressed by the man he had been worshipping and crying over. He was so pleased that Agravaine had noticed his new do! "O-only a bit, Gwen did it, and she's quite experienced with this particular hairstyle, so - " He stopped talking when he caught Arthur's eye. His master raised one brow and looked at him questioningly.

"_Mer_lin," said Arthur. Merlin waited to get yelled at, but Arthur's face suddenly relaxed. "Do you think you could ask Gwen to do Gwaine's hair?" Arthur twirled Gwaine's long, curly tresses between his fingers with admiration.

"Arthur! Are you saying you like Merlin's new hairstyle? That's the first compliment you've ever given him!" said Elyan.

"Elly, you should grow your hair out so you can get some nice corn rows too!" Gaius said to his new boyfriend.

"Gaius, will Agravaine be alright?" asked Merlin.

"Yes, yes, he'll be just fine," said Gaius dismissively with the wave of his hand. "Merlin, it would seem as though you're more concerned about Agravaine than the state of our noble knights' hair! For God's sakes, it was just a little fall," he said, already turning away from Arthur's uncle, who was cold and pale from passing out on the castle's stone steps. Oh, and he may have suffered from a concussion, but as Gaius never actually examined him, we shall never truly know.

"NO! I mean, I'm no more concerned about him than the next person..." blushed Merlin.

Gaius started toward the Great Hall. "We're lucky this wasn't more serious. I'm starving. How about we go get some breakfast and commence the court meeting?" He flashed his eyes smilingly toward Elyan, signalling him to follow.

"Couldn't have said it better myself!" piped Arthur. "But, as I am the king, let's pretend I did!"

Everybody laughed and brushed past Agravaine's body to get to the Great Hall, some even stepping on his fingers accidentally.

"See you at breakfast, uncle!" Nobody bothered to help him up.

They were in high spirits as they went, and amid the chit-chat, Merlin heard them commenting on how Agravaine must be hungry after spending the night on the floor, and how great they would all look with corn rows. They did not notice Merlin, who stayed behind.

"Here... let me help you up," he said, his heart pounding. Agravaine was SO HEAVY! When Merlin managed to pick him up, he brushed the dirt off of Agravaine's clothes and their eyes met.

"Thank you, Merlin," he gave Merlin the greasiest smile he had ever seen due to the hair grease that got all over his face from the fall. They went to the meeting together hand in hand.

After the meeting, it was time for the king's daily outings. He brought Agravaine, Merlin, and of course, Gwaine, and they rode out to the forest for a picnic. At the picnic, they were having a nice quiet snack, when an arrow came and shot through a tree. Scared, they all got up and took out their swords. Merlin, prancing around without armour as per usual, looked around to find the shooter.

"STOP!" Merlin shouted into the air, feeling empowered my his new hairstyle.

Everyone immediately lowered their weapons and looked at Merlin, who addressed the bandits.

"You're interrupting our double date! I've been waiting a long time for this opportunity, you won't ruin this for me! Please leave us alone for today and you have my word that we will meet you here at this exact time tomorrow and we can sort this out then!" Merlin said. Agravaine went to Merlin's side and put his arm around him.

The bandits' hearts melted at the sight. "Okay," the lead bandit agreed. "You're a lucky man," he said to Merlin as he looked Agravaine up and down lustfully. But Agravaine didn't notice this, as he only had eyes for Merlin.

After the bandits left, Agravaine turned toward the other three men. "Shall we proceed with our date?" he asked, smoothing out his corn rows. Some grease smeared onto his hand, but he just wiped it on Merlin's back sneakily. They all agreed.

"Arthur, what do you think they want from us?" asked Merlin.

"They want information," said Arthur.

"Information? Information on what exactly?" asked Agravaine, confused.

"Our corn rows," Arthur said ominously.

After a fun day of skinny dipping, picnicking, and playful tomfoolery, the four men rode back to the castle. Arthur called another meeting to discuss how they could make peace with the bandits.

"We have to travel on the north side of the border and we must bring Gwen," Arthur demanded. "Too far south, and we'll catch the wind that will be blowing about. Not good for our hair. We ride at dawn. With luck, we will be there by nightfall."

The next day, they met up with the bandits and introduced them to Gwen.

"This is Gwen. She knows everything about making the perfect corn rows and how to effectively maintain them," Arthur said.

The bandits laughed. "We don't care about corn rows! We want the boy!"

The lead bandit pointed at Merlin. Agravaine and Merlin looked at one another, scared about losing each other. Arthur looked at the bandits in disbelief. How could they turn down Gwen's precious styling tips? The bandits took out their swords and arrows and headed towards Merlin.

"NO! You can't do this!" cried Agravaine, becoming aggravated. "YOU MUST TAKE ME!"

Merlin was so happy that Agravaine cared so much for him.

"No, they want me. I must go," said Merlin, tears streaming down his face.

"Now wait! Why do they want YOU?" asked Arthur, confused.

Merlin turned around to face Arthur. "They want me because I was born with magic." He paused, took a deep breath and continued, "I am who they call Emrys."

All of Merlin friends looked shocked, surprised at the secret Merlin had been keeping as he walked over to the bandits. Merlin went with the bandits as Agravaine cried.

"But Merlin!" shouted Agravaine desperately, tears and snot streaming into his mouth. "Will I ever see you again?"

Merlin gave Agravaine one last meaningful look just before stepping into the bandits' carriage. "I promise. Wait for me," he said, turning his face away and disappearing into the carriage to hide the tears welling up in his eyes.

As the carriage drove out of sight, Agravaine shouted after it, begging Merlin to come back. Despite all of the excitement and aggravation, his greasy corn rows remained in tact. _That's amazing_, thought Arthur, still unable to fathom why the bandits couldn't care to be perfectly coiffed.

He walked up to his uncle.

"Agravaine, I have never seen you care for any man this way." Agravaine took a deep breath and replied, still sobbing, "Neither have I, sire, neither have I."


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: We're such a donut... Round with a hole in the middle... Where our ownership of Merlin should be... But it's not there... Because we don't own Merlin..._

**If I can't have Merlin, what have I got? With him, I'm fabulous crust and I always will be. If I can't have Merlin, I might as well just be crust.**

Chapter 3: The dustiness of a great romance

Because Merlin was away, Gwen was required to take up post as Arthur's new servant, which of course, involved being Gwaine's as well ;). Although most things in Camelot continued to run as normal, Merlin's absence was a strong, silent looming cloud that followed everyone. Agravaine became ill the night Merlin was taken and had been that way for the next few days. He was usually a fully greased man, always raring to go! But in a matter of days, his appearance went from fabulous crust to worse than Uther looked when he died.

He often considered riding out to find his beloved, but was overwrought with confusion and grief. Was it true? Did Merlin really have magic? And if he did, why didn't anyone know? Agravaine felt deceived, yet he could not help but let Merlin remain in that soft spot in his heart reserved only for him.

Gwen came in occasionally on Arthur's orders, to ensure that Agravaine was still alive. He barely touched his food and only sipped on water. At times, Arthur would break away from Gwaine to personally check up on his uncle. It amazed him that Agravaine's corn rows were still quite distinct, the only difference being that his hair had turned a silvery hue that made Gaius jealous to the point that he raised his eyebrow in disgust whenever Elyan mentioned Agravaine's name.

It also didn't help that as Agravaine's corn rows slowly unraveled (as he would not let Gwen touch him) it gave his hair the nice wavy wisp that Gaius had been trying to achieve for years but had never managed to make it look any less like a mop. It angered him that Agravaine had done it without even trying.

Gaius and Elyan lay tangled in Gaius' bed. Gaius missed Merlin; the boy was like a son to him. But he just couldn't help but be slightly pleased that he and Elyan had the place to themselves. They were warm and happy in the bed they shared since Merlin left. It was especially nice because they had just gone for a swim earlier that day and were still a little damp.

"Elly dear, is Arthur keeping you busy with training tomorrow, or will you be free to frolic in the lake with me again?" Gaius asked.

"No training tomorrow, Arthur's spending the day with Agravaine." Gaius twitched. "He's hoping it'll make him feel better, but I don't think anything but Merlin could help that man at this point."

"Well he's not taking any of the tonics I've made for him," Gaius remarked, although the tonics he had been giving him lately were nothing but an impotent grass soup.

"The poor man. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you. I'd probably shrivel up just the same," Elyan said. "Although I must admit, I've never seen him look better. He's accumulating natural grease from not bathing, he doesn't need to apply that horse grease he usually uses. And his hair is flawless now!"

Gaius shifted uncomfortably. He was suddenly very aware that his own hair was still mucky from the lake water. And his skin was drier than a camel's. Jealously flared up in Gaius' old, hairy chest.

"If you find Agravaine so appealing, you can just go frolic with him!" he spat. Elyan was shocked. When Elyan didn't say anything, Gaius continued, "I know you know it's true. He's just naturally everything you're looking for."

Elyan started to feel angry. "Fine Gaius. It's true. I'm attracted to him. But you know you are my one true love!"

"Elyan," Gaius said. This was the first time Gaius hadn't called him 'Elly' since the night of Arthur's feast, so you KNOW he was serious! "I'm an old man. I've seen everything there is to see. You can't fool me, I know the infidel ways of a young person's heart. Please, sleep in your own chambers tonight. We'll discuss this in the morning."

Elyan was heartbroken, but he obliged. He knew Gaius was wrong, but there was no way for him to prove it easily and he could tell that Gaius needed to rest. He was clearly just exhausted after the day's tomfooleries. Elyan packed up some of his clothes and went back towards his chambers on the other side of the castle. On his way, he passed by Percival's room and could hear him giggling flirtatiously with Leon. Elyan had never felt so alone in his life.

He knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help it. As he passed by Agravaine's room, he noticed that the door was left ajar. He peered inside and saw Agravaine sitting at a small, uncomfortable-looking chair in front of the window. Agravaine, whose appearance now surpassed his years in age, was staring blankly out the window. Elyan could only assume that he was waiting for Merlin's return. As he watched the sickly older man, he couldn't help but admire his silhouette against the moonlight coming through the stained glass window. His slumped shoulders, the matted shape of his hair, his frailty, the fact that he could practically see the stink lines coming off his body… it was all just so beautiful and intriguing to the young knight.

He knew he'd feel terrible for speaking to the man of whom Gaius was so jealous, but he could hardly consider Gaius' feelings after seeing Agravaine. He stepped into the room and knocked gently on the door to announce his presence. When Agravaine heard the sound, he turned back to look at the door expectantly. Upon seeing that, alas, it was not Merlin, he turned back to the window and resumed his inanimate staring.

"I'm sorry my Lord, I didn't mean to bother you. I just wanted to check that you were okay. Merlin was a friend to all of us, and I too share your grief. May I sit with you?" Elyan asked politely and calmly. He was glad that Agravaine didn't turn around to look at him, or he'd see the nervous fidgeting and undoubtedly think badly of him for it.

He sat down and looked at Agravaine. He could see the layer of matted dust that coated his clothes and stuck to the grease on his skin, the particles shimmering dully in the moonlight. Such a layer of dust could only have accumulated on a man of his level of greasiness and idleness; his immaculate capsule was second only to the Fisher King's. Elyan was enchanted by how much the man resembled a statue in his perfect dusty state.

Arthur walked toward Agravaine's chambers carrying Gaius' 'tonic'. He couldn't believe that another one of his relatives was slowly dying this way – vacantly staring out a window wearing rags, and not having bathed in ages. He was afraid that this meant that he too had a predisposition to behave in such a way in the future. He looked over at Gwen.

"If this happens to me, can I have your word that you'll just kill me?" Gwen's eyes widened. "Me? I – I don't know if I could ever just commit murder like that – especially not on my king…".

"Anyone can do it. Just give me your word that you will see that it is done."

The image of the history books calling it "Pendragon's Disease" made Arthur cringe.

When he entered Agravaine's room, he realized that his uncle wasn't alone – his trusted knight Elyan was keeping him company, and seemed to be doing a better job of it than himself. Elyan was smiling kindly at Agravaine, and Agravaine was smiling feebly back in return, creases forming in the dust on his face. They both looked up when Arthur came in and Elyan stood to greet his friend.

"Elyan! What are you doing in here?" asked Arthur.

"Well… I saw your uncle was looking miserable and lonely, so I came to talk to him," Elyan answered.

"About what?" Arthur was suspicious. Elyan had never spoken to Agravaine before.

"Oh… Where he gets his grease, swimming, foods we like, simple things like that," he answered. He puffed out his chest in pride and said, "look, I even got him to eat his dinner from last night!"

"You did?" Arthur looked at Elyan, studying his face carefully. He felt as though there was something Elyan wasn't telling him but decided to forget about it. "We must tell Gaius the news!"

"DON'T!" screamed Elyan. When he saw the shock on Arthur's face, he immediately feigned calmness and said, "You're supposed to spend the day with your uncle, I'll go tell Gaius…"

Elyan felt a little shaken at the mention of Gaius' name but regained his composure. Arthur would definitely be more suspicious if he tried to stop him from reporting to the court physician about his patient's condition.

Arthur took a seat next to his uncle and gestured for Gwen to do the same. "My goodness he's so frail," whispered Gwen.

"Here, have some tonic" Arthur raised the grass soup to Agravaine's face but he wouldn't take it. To Arthur's surprise, Agravaine began to speak.

"Merlin…..Merlin…" This was not new to Gwen. "He calls Merlin's name whenever he drinks the tonic. I think it has something to do with the smell," she said. Arthur took a whiff.

"Hm, smells like Merlin after he goes herb-picking for Gaius."

Elyan walked toward Gaius' chambers. He considered writing him a letter and signing it with Arthur's name. He knew that if he went in there to talk about Agravaine, it would not go well, but he had to face his jealous lover like a man.

Elyan took a deep breath and knocked on Gaius' door. He was nervously repeating what he was going to say to Gaius in his head. Gaius' old shaky hand slowly turned the doorknob and pulled it open. He looked up tiredly to see who his visitor was but when he saw Elyan, he quickly slammed the door, cracking both wrists and his hip. Gaius was very angry with Elyan and for him to show up at his chambers this late at night was not cool. It really steamed Gaius' tonic. Elyan was shocked when the door slammed in his face and he left right away. Elyan had never seen Gaius' eyes burn with fury this way and had also never seen him move that fast. Elyan was starting to think that their relationship was coming to an end, which meant MORE TIME WITH AGRA! But he was truly depressed by this.

During the next week, Elyan visited Agravaine without a word from Gaius. They were becoming quite good friends even though Elyan had to resist the temptation of showing his true feelings. Agravaine talked and thought about Merlin constantly in despair and that made Elyan a little annoyed. "Why don't you just go looking for him then?" Elyan didn't mean to yell but he couldn't help it. The grease of his dreams was yearning for another. "Look for Merlin? Yes, I think I am ready now! Elyan, what would I have done without you?" Agravaine asked with hope and excitement. The dust finally began to unstick from his skin so Agravaine figured there was no need for bathing.

"But sire, where would you start? I don't think it would be necessary to go searching for Merlin!" Elyan said worriedly, trying to convince Agravaine not to leave.

"Elyan, do you not see how important Merlin is to me? I can start wherever I want, and I shall start before dawn!" Agravaine declared with pride and enthusiasm. The various putrid smells of Agravaine's unwashed body finally reached Elyan's nose, forcing him to leave immediately. "I think Gwen wanted to talk to me about hairstyling, I better go." Elyan hated leaving him alone like that but he couldn't take it anymore. The fact that he was going to find Merlin overwhelmed him with hopelessness.


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I'm a physicist, not a biologist. And not the writer of Merlin._

**It is Agravaine, my love. Agravaine and horse grease!**

Chapter 4: Rests in the murse of an old man

That night, before dawn, Agravaine had most of his things packed. He was determined to find Merlin no matter what. Inside his giant murse, he packed his horse grease, a large jug of water, a map of the lands, and his precious ViAgra. Once he found Merlin, he would need all the strength possible to face his love once more. Elyan had offered to join him, but he felt that this was something that he had to do alone. He liked Elyan, but honestly, he was becoming a bore, always bringing up Gaius. And besides, he'd rather not drag along a sulking cockblocker.

Agra rode thru da forest wit his fresh new doo rag and kicks. He wanted to look his best for his lil' M. He spotted smoke coming from a distance and that made him want to have a smoke. He sat down and lit his bong. While smoking, a group of bandits came and stole his murse. The bandits took off and Agra didn't realise he had just been robbed. A sudden thought came to Agra's greasy mind. He finally realized that he should have wondered where the smoke was coming from in the first place like any normal explorer would have done. He turned around and noticed his murse was missing. Where was he going to put his bong? ← suspense rite dere end of chap 4

Agravaine decided to forget about finding out where the smoke was coming from. Even if the smoke would lead to Merlin and the bandits' campsite, he couldn't go to see his lover without his murse. Without that bag, his ensemble was incomplete. He went looking for the robbers first, following the tracks that led away from his resting spot and into the woods.

Agravaine followed the tracks which led, to his surprise, to the place where the smoke was coming from. He crept through the trees and bushes and crouched in a ditch, looking at the campsite for the robbers. He saw them moments later, four of them rummaging through the murse and rudely tossing his horse grease aside. Well, tossing might not be the right word, as the slick bottle simply slid out of the robber's hand when he tried to pick it up.

Seeing how the robbers disrespected his grease really aggravated Agravaine. He worked so hard to extract that oil from the horses! He quietly searched the ditch and found a large rotting tree branch. After deciding that there was no oil to be extracted from the branch, he sprung out of the ditch with the zeal of a younger man (approximately half his age, Merlin's age maybe), charging at the robbers and brandishing the branch like it was Excalibur.

But it was no Excalibur.

Perhaps Agravaine ought to have chosen a less rotten branch, or a different object altogether, as this branch crumbled upon its first contact with the largest robber's back, causing little to no damage to the man. The robbers all turned around and saw Agravaine, face flushed and still quite greasy from his most recent application of grease. Agravaine smiled nervously at the robbers, keeping an eye on the bottle of horse grease, but his heart dropped when he recognized the robber at the back of the group, a thin man in a red neckerchief.

"Merlin?" Agra asked with hope. The bandits looked at Agra as if he were speaking a different language. He couldn't help but stare at the one that resembled Merlin but soon noticed that it was just a ginge beard. When Agra stopped staring, he realised he was being tied up and put in a carriage. He tried to scream but he was too hoarse without his horse grease. The carriage was full of hay which made Agra feel like a horse and he began to giggle.

""

Agravaine was being driven mad. He had lost his Merlin, his murse, and now he was being kidnapped. He looked to the bandits at the front of the carriage. They were laughing at his murse and parading around wearing it, pretending the carriage was a catwalk. Agravaine couldn't help but think that their strut was mediocre and that the murse seriously clashed with their outfits. When he realized that they were ridiculing his murse, he stood and shook the bars of his carriage cage.

"Hey! That's my murse! I don't know you!" He rasped at them, causing them to laugh harder at the greasy man whose throat was parched with a lack of grease. When he realized that they had left his bottle of grease on the floor of the woods, he slumped to the carriage floor in dismay. He began to cry, his tears made of salt and no liquid due to the lack of grease. Now only the surface of his skin was oily, his insides were desiccated like Gaius' dreadful hair. The carriage stopped at a dock where an unfashionable man sat, waiting in his tiny rowboat. Agravaine recognized this place, he had read about it in Gaius' sketchy books: just across the water lay the Isle of the Blessed.

The bandits dragged Agra out of the carriage and into the rowboat, trying not to tip it over, for Agra was a husky thang. The bandits gave the rowboat man Agravaine's murse as payment! Agravaine was outraged, how could they? The murse would look terrible on him, it did not match his swagger in any way. Agravaine thought about the different outfits he could have worn with his murse during the entire boat ride. They got there before he was finished planning what to wear with his new studded platform shoes. As he got off the boat, he turned to the boat man.

"Thanks for the ride, it was very enjoyable. Can I give you some advice? You have quite a nice figure, but you hide it behind layers and layers of drab drapes. Might I suggest a thinner coat with a cinched waist?" Agravaine gave the man a wink and a #winning smile as he walked away, leaving the man with a renewed sense of self-confidence and ideas for new outfits.

The bandits grabbed Agra away from the boat man and directed him into a dark, chilly forest. "We can use this one as a sacrifice," the largest bandit said. "We'll trade his life for Dumbledore's."

Agravaine was terrified. He couldn't see properly through the fog and tripped over a tree branch. The bandits lost hold of his arms and couldn't find him. Agra took this opportunity to run away. This was probably the smartest thing he did throughout the entire journey. He stumbled through the trees and eventually found himself in a clearing with some kind of stone architecture which looked like some kind of ruins. He knew this was a place of the Old Religion and immediately felt scared. He suddenly saw two figures rise from the fog, both rather bulky men although one was larger and the other, more muscular. He noticed they were holding hands and he stepped closer to the two men. As the fog slowly cleared up, he was able to see their faces. They gracefully walked in unison towards Agravaine as he looked at them in disbelief.

"Agravaine, we need your help. The bandits wish to make Merlin their slave," the former knight of Camelot said. Uther nudged Lancelot's arm. Lancelot continued, "Also, we've been wondering if you could help us with another problem... Seeing as you're a slightly older gentleman... Not that we would assume you have such problems, but..."

"Lancelot, please just ask him!" Uther said.

"Let's just say... The only stone in the mausoleum is in the walls... If you know what I mean..." Lancelot hinted.

"Say no more! I've got the perfect cure for you! It's called ViAgra, it's a special pill I've invented. Essentially it works like the original, but this one was made using only ingredients that comply to the strictest rules of Agraculture and it has a special ingredient... Horse grease! To give you the vigour of Camelot's strongest stallions! Here, you can have some... Oh wait, it was in my murse..." Agravaine told them.

"Great, I knew asking him was a bad idea," said Lancelot. "Now he knows our secret AND we haven't got a solution!" Uther was slightly annoyed and decided to sort of change the subject.

"I'm sure your...um...murse did you call it? will turn up eventually. But the issue at hand is that the bandits have got Merlin."

"Where are their headquarters?" inquired Agravaine desperately.

"Headquarters? What is this, the year 2000?" laughed Lancelot. All of a sudden, there was the distinct sound of "Hips Don't Lie" coming from within Uther's robes.

"Sorry..." He pulled out his iPhone. "Uther Pendragon. Uh huh...yes yes... You were CC'd in the email...okay...no no happens all the time, no worries...k later brah."

Agravaine and Lancelot looked at one another in shock. Agravaine was too much of a dinosaur to even know what Uther just did or said. The latest technology according to Agravaine was his bong. Lancelot however, spoke up.

"W-when did you...get that? And where?"

"From a time traveler. It's rather wonderful if I do say so myself. Look, I can raise my own zombies!" Uther exclaimed with delight.

Agravaine had never been more confused in his life. His mind was set on finding the bandits.

"Where did you last see Merlin?" Agravaine asked.

"The bandits have retreated to the west side of the island," Lancelot told him. "if we leave now, we can get there by sunrise."

They started walking. Why they didn't use horses is anybody's guess. Agravaine noticed Uther and Lancelot were gliding across the ground. He had just realised they were ghosts and he began to giggle once again. He also figured that once he found Merlin, they could go back to the rowboat and see if the man would return his murse. He felt a renewed sense of purpose.

He trundled through the woods until it got dark, Uther and Lancelot following not far behind. See? He didn't need Elyan. They came across a laundry line and figured someone must be living here. Agravaine looked around in disgust. How could anyone have such tacky clothes? Every piece of laundry clashed immensely with another and Agravaine couldn't help but mumble "vomatrocious".

Agravaine spotted a ratty red neckerchief hanging on the line and his heart skipped a beat. Could it be? He went and touched the neckerchief to make sure it wasn't just a ginge beard and confirmed, with a long whiff of the most sweat-stained part of it, that it was indeed Merlin's. He had found his lover at last. After 3 pages of rambling about fashion, Agravaine was finally getting close. ← last sentence because that's suspense rite derr. This is more suspenseful than the bong.


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: No man, no matter how great, can truly own Merlin.

_**The story we have been a part of will live long in the minds of the Dochraid and the Diamair.**_

Chapter 5: Its name: SWAGRAVAINE

Watch this video clip to understand the significance of 241 (to be read as 2-4-1): Go on Youtube /watch?v=MVHvIHiXgRE and start at 1:27-1:53. If you can't find it, it's basically episode 5x09 Part 7 of 15 on the channel GodzillaClips1

Agravaine's chest inflated with delight. He was so close to finding Merlin, he could feel it with every fibre of his Agralicious being. He unclipped the neckerchief from the line, carefully folded it, and tucked it into his coat next to where his heart should be, forming a moob. He then began ripping the swagless clothes from the line to make himself a bed, Uther and Lance watching in disbelief.

"What are you doing, Agravaine? These belong to people!" Lance was shocked that someone could be so disrespectful. But Agravaine did not seem to perceive such sensitivities.

"You call these clothes? They are a total waste of thread. I'm putting them to proper use. Relax, I'm doing them a favour, really...".

As Uther and Lance slept peacefully on the grass, Agravaine lay awake in his hideous makeshift bed, thoughts swirling around like grease in his brain._Seriously though, who owns these? No taste for quality fabrics...Why is there such a thing as night and day? If it were constantly day, I could still be looking for Merlin right now...I wonder where he is, and what he's doing...Is he thinking of me too?..._

And then a sudden thought came to him: What if he took the ugly clothes and made them chic? He would create his style based on his favourite model and fashion icon, Morgana Pendragon. He could start his own clothing line and call it... Swagravaine! And with that, he fell into a dreamless sleep, the ends of his lips inclined into a slight curl.

"

Back in Camelot, Gaius was pacing around his empty home. Should he call Elyan? Or was Elyan still in love with Agravaine? He realized that if he didn't at least try to win Elyan back, he would regret it. But he was too nervous to simply walk over to Elyan. So he hobbled over to the most advanced technology he ever owned and logged onto his Medieval Mingle account.

fizzishun243 said: elyan? u there?

darkasknight77 said: sup gaius, didn't kno u had medingle

fizzishun243 said: medingle? lol, thats clever

darkasknight77 said: every1 calls it that tho

fizzishun243 said: i miss u, lets meet up

darkasknight77 said: i cant, u hurt me so bad

fizzishun243 said: i noe, im sorry, but i luv u ok?

darkasknight77 said: ok i guess so, i'll come over

fizzishun243 said: kool lol

To prepare for Elyan's arrival, Gaius quickly threw all the cobwebs off his body and stopped moping like Aggy (he thought if he resembled Agravaine then Elyan might love him again but then he read that Robert Munsch book and remembered that it's important to always be yourself). He lit candles and made chicken tikka masala and put on his Series 5 robes with the really intricate collar.

When Elyan came in, Gaius was standing in the middle of the room holding a piece of parchment on which he had written a speech.

"Elyan, I've realized that if I'm not with you, I'll have to endure years and years of misery," started Gaius.

Elyan walked toward Gaius and said, "Gaius, I just don't feel the same way anymore. Things...things have changed." As Elyan said this, he looked toward the ground to avoid eye contact.

All of a sudden, Gaius began fumbling into his robes. His hand emerged shaking, holding a revolver. So that was what the new robes were for. Elyan could have drawn his sword, but he was in too much shock.

"Gaius, what do you think you're doing?!"

"I love you Elyan. I want you by my side forever."

"What's shooting me gonna do?"

"Who do you think will heal your wounds? Physically and emotionally? As the court physician, you will be forced to lie in my chambers while I rub ointment all over your ripped chest."

They stood there in silence, Elyan's arms up and Gaius in shooting position.

But he's too weak to pull the trigger.

"

Agravaine's eyelids slowly opened. He could see trees billowing in the wind. It must be daylight. There was also a man standing over him with a pitchfork. Agravaine immediately opened his eyes and tried to comprehend what was going on. Where were Uther and Lance?

"Get off my clothin' you ratchet piece 'a grease!" Agra looked up in disgust and flicked his hair. But it lay matted onto his face.

"Who are you calling ratchet? Do you know who I am? I am Agravaine du Bois, uncle of King Arthur and future CEO of Swagrav-"

"I don't care who ya are! Explain this invasion of my territory!" He directed the pitchfork towards Agravaine's chest. Agravaine let out a nervous chuckle.

"Well relax now...it's not that big of a deal, right? Teehee. I can just re-hang all of this and we can forget it ever happened..." But the man would not let Agravaine leave, and then he suddenly had a thought.

"Have you by any chance seen a young, attractive gangly boy? He should be dressed like the hipster photographer type...". The man lowered his pitchfork.

"Oh yes, that boy. He is betrothed to my master's daughter. How do you know the lad? What do you Camelot folk have to do with the druids?" But Agravaine wasn't listening. _Merlin was betrothed to a GIRL? _The rage stabbed Agravaine vividly like a three-pronged gardening tool.

"Hey! Ya still need to fix this mess for me." The man was hitting Agravaine with the pitchfork, his rage swelling up as well. He never liked the nobles, thought they were stupid and undeserving of such power. Agravaine was only reinforcing that viewpoint, standing there like a tool taking the beatings.

"Take me to your master" said Agravaine, still standing on the clothes.

"I ain't doin' ya no favours! You reversed a whole day's work! Do ya know how long it takes to do the washing? I bet ya never even tried, greasy as ya are!"

Agravaine was desperate. He stood there in silence for a moment and then tried to make a run for it. But of course, he wasn't fit enough (or smart enough) to pull something like that off. His ankles got tangled in the clothes and he fell on his ass.

"What's going on here?" A young boy with thick, dark brown curly hair and a srrrious look on his face appeared.

"Ah, Mordred, I hope you can talk some sense into this ratchet excuse for a court noble. He seems to be looking for you."

Mordred bent over and surveyed Agravaine's face. "I've never seen him in my life." The Welsh influences in his accent were absolutely killer but Agravaine was enraged. "What kind of joke is this? I asked for Merlin and you bring me him?"

"Ya think I know what a hipster is? Mordred has young hips! Thought ya meant him!"  
>Mordred's beautiful eyes lit up, and in a second, the clothes were restored to the line. He then looked at Agravaine.<p>

"So you're looking for Merlin. Follow me."

"

The knights of the Round Table were gathered for a meeting. Elyan still hadn't told anyone what happened with Gaius and was still feeling very shaken. But he had to focus. Arthur had called this meeting to discuss pressing matters of state.

"Agravaine has gone looking for Merlin and I haven't noticed until right now" declared Arthur. "It's taking ages and he seems to be failing. We shall send out the patrols at first light tomorrow. We'll go through the maps later...Today however, I've arranged a cornrow party at the tavern featuring a spoon-fighting tournament in celebration of Leon and Percival's engagement." Everyone applauded.

"

Agra followed Mordred with his dutty old doo-rag and kicks. The boy was kinda _really _cute, it made Agra giggle. "Teehee." Agra chuckled :) This mission was taking a toll on his mental state. There was a small image of a dragon carved into a nearby tree trunk.

"OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH DRAAAGOHHHHHHNNNNNN!" said Agra. Mordred gave Agravaine a sideways glare. Agravaine didn't seem to notice, and continued on smiling and walking.

"I'm hungry. I haven't eaten since I left Camelot!". _This is like travelling with a small child_, thought Mordred.

Mordred led Agra into a nearby 241 Pizza. They went up to the counter and Agra asked the Dochraid if she had seen Merlin. "You do not know how to wield such a weapon!" Agravaine no longer chuckled but wept in agrany.

The Dochraid pulled out a blue lace handkerchief to clean up Agravaine's tears and Agra thought it was absolutely swagalicious.

"Please, if it isn't any trouble, might I ask where you got that from?" Agra asked.

"Its from Attitude's new fall collection. You must travel to the lake of Avalon and summon the white fairy spirit ting... 241."

Agra felt too lazy to mission all the way to the lake, so he didn't. He wanted to leave the 241 so he looked for Mordred but he was nowhere to be found!

"What happened to Mordred?" Aggs asked.

"241.." The Dochraid uselessly replied.

"Some people.." Agra spat, leaving the 241. He decided to reach the lake of Avalon but he couldn't find a horse that could support all his weight, so he didn't.

He went back outside to enjoy his greasy pizza: Mediterranean with extra olive oil, onions, bacon, cheese, and agrachovies. Mordred was waiting impatiently outside, his face still srrrious but perfect as ever.

"Come on, it's not that much further now."

Mordred led Agravaine to a quaint little village, where it was apparent that sorcery was weaved through every fibre of air, and every living thing. But Agra was too dumb to notice.

Agra then spotted a young boy picking tomatoes in a field of fresh green grass that illuminated ahead. Could it be? He approached the tomato field and saw that it was Merlin, his beloved! "Yerrrrrrrrrrrrrrr ;)" He said to himself. Merlin looked up, surprised to see Agra and all the new grease and fat he had accumulated over their lost time.

"Agravaine!" Merlin got up and hugged the ratchet piece 'a grease.

"Merlin, you're just as much of a swee-tee as I remembered!" Agra confessed.

"

Gwaine and Percival recently went on a quest together and their success was also to be celebrated. But it made Leon uncomfortable because he really hated when other people stole his thunder.

"A toast! To two of my best knights, Gwaine and Percy. I know Gwercival to be loyal to me and to the kingdom, and I wish them all the best! To Gwercy!" Arthur exclaimed. The celebration ended when Leon realised it was supposed to be him getting engaged to Gwaine. Or was it Percy? Leon was confused. "Percivals mine!" Percy screamed.

"

_While the whole kingdom was getting crunk at the tavern..._

"Agravaine, you did it! You saw the dragons I carved in the trees leading to the path!"

Merlin was ecstatic, but Agra was as confused as ever. However, he didn't want Merlin to know he had no idea what he was talking about. He also had no idea that his breath was absolutely rank from that pizza.

"So darling, shall we go back to Camelot now?" Agra asked.

A very dominant man with blond hair and green robes appeared. "I'm afraid it won't be that easy. You see, Merlin is my servant."

Agra was cheesed. He could feel the extra cheese churning inside of him. "But he is King Arthur's servant. He belongs in Camelot."

The man laughed. "And how are _you _going to convince me? Your clothes are tattered, you haven't bathed in ages it seems, and you carry no weapons."

Agra charged forward but with the flash of the man's eyes, Agra couldn't move any more than an inch. He was frightened.

"Let them stay the night", said Mordred, seamlessly appearing out of nowhere. He was really good at that.

Everyone agreed to stay the night. Well...everyone except...

"We ain't stayin da nyte!" Agra howled. :)

But they did. Agra tried to run away but was too fat. - suspense ryte derr end a chap fyve.

That evening, Agra, Merlin, and Mordred sat around a campfire. It was Mordred's idea.

"What's it like at Camelot?" He asked earnestly, the shadow of the flames dancing lightly on his skin, giving it a nice evening glow.

"Oh it's great! It has the best horse grease you will ever find." Shut up Agra.

Merlin smiled and his ears perked up. "Camelot is the greatest kingdom I have ever known. There is so much to do, so much to see, and the wildlife is blossoming with so many secrets. I miss my best friend Guinevere, she must be so worried about me. The king is merciful and just, and he enjoys life in its simplest forms. Gaius, the court physician is like a father to me. And not to mention swagged out! And the knights! Oh how loyal they are. They've pledged their allegiance to Arthur and for the love of Camelot."

"I've always dreamed of being a knight of Camelot." Mordred admitted, smiling at the ground. It wasn't hard to tell that he didn't know-oh-oh. He didn't know he was beautiful.

"Who da bestest of all dem Camlot doe?" Agra ratchetly asked.

"Shut up ova derr I'm tryna sleep!" the Dochraid hissed.

All of a sudden, a blue light appeared.

"Hello!" said a wispy voice with a face much like Elyan's and a head much like a... mountain... "Where's Gwaine?"

They all looked at each other, weirded out. Even though Merlin had met the Diamair before, he didn't want to be left out of the confused group so decided to look confused as well.

"And who might you be?" Aggs asked bitterly.

"I am the key to all knowledge!" Mairmair answered.

Mordred looked scurred and peed his pants. "Guys, I think I made an accident" Mordred confessed shyly.

"Oh I know" the Diamair said. "I also know that you will be one of the greatest knights that Camelot has ever known! You just need to #believe."

"I said shat ap! I'm tryna sleep hurr!" the Dochraid yelled again.

The Diamair's wispy tone changed into a deep serious one. "But like really though, just forget about your engagement to that ignorant and hateful excuse of a fiance and go fulfill your dreams."

Mordred was enlightened. The next day, he told off the blond guy and cancelled his betrothal to Kara. _That's right._

They reached Camelot by nightfall and welcomed Mordred into their town. "It's better than I imagined!" Mordred said. So innocent, and so hopeful, he and Arthur became insta friends :')

"Shat ap!" yelled the Dochraid. - suspense ryte derr end a chap 5 :P tehe

"

That night, the Throne Room of the citadel was decorated with candles and the colours of Camelot. All the knights and nobles were present to witness the knighting ceremony.

"Arise, Sir Mordred," Arthur pronounced. :')

"Arise, Sir Dochraid," Arthur declared. -_-

Arthur then made an important kingly speech.

"I have lifted the ban against magic for some reason but I feel that it's so tyte, it's ryte. And please welcome our court Diamair!"

Gwaine looked up in realization that the Diamair was his true love. He slipped his hand out of Leon's grip and ran towards the Diamair. Leon was shafted again, but it's okay. He'll survive ;) Even though Leon and Gwaine were never together, they are now! It's meat, cheese, and lettuce-flavored O's in a tortilla bowl!

Arthur looked at Gwaine holding hands with the Diamair and jealousy burned in his soul. But like Leon, he'll get over it.

Merlin and Agra got married at the Taj Mahal in Agra, India, then went to NiAgra Falls for their hunnymoon. Pretty much the next day they realized they didn't even actually love each other because they only actually talked that one time in chap 2 or something. But they love each other's swag. #Saggy #swaggy. And Agra created Swagravaine which was a total failure.

Fin.

P.S. Gaius and Elyan got back together.

P.P.S. Swagravaine failed because Agravaine is a terrible entrepreneur, not because nobody likes Morgana's style. FYI.


End file.
